I just saw a post on FB from a friend. She is holding her very special daughter and they both look like there is nothing in the world wrong with anyone or anything. Those are the moments that we need to cherish as parents. They come to far apart and not nearly enough in numbers. Kids grow up so fast and they become so independent that they think if they let us hug or hold them it will rob their futures of all the freedom they have struggled to find. This is the case with my girls.
One has Autism (high functioning) and has always resisted being touched since she kicked her twin sister out four weeks early. In all of the pictures of them as infants, if her sister is touching her she is screaming. When she was safe in her own bassinet or carrier she had the cutest little crooked grin (from the NICU). I still remember when I was told that she had some symptoms that were "Asperger like" and I started doing some reading on the subject. Once I stopped trying to get her to hug me she was able to show her affection on her terms. One day walking to the house from the bus stop she reached up and held my hand, no prompting from me. That will always be a day I remember.
One of my girls is considered normal, whatever that is, and has her moments of wanting to be close. However most of the time she is that teenage (13) "don't touch me or look at me because it hurts to be reminded that you are still her" phase of her development. There is one situation that she can't seem to get close enough though and that is in church. When we are sitting in the pew, yes the hard wooden ones with a little thin pad on it for looks, she practically climbs in to my lap. This would be great except that she is as tall as I am and I do a lot of shifting because of my bad hips and tailbone. It hurts to push her back over to her spot knowing that once they say the final prayer she is off limits for another week.
They do have their moments that I would not miss for anything. Along with that comes those times where they have to learn lessens that are usually not pleasant for either of us. After 13 years of dealing with both of them in their own special ways, I don't know what I would do without either one of them.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Kids Birthday Parties
So if you have kids you know that they get lots of invitations to birthday parties for kids you don't know. Here is my beef. I usually try to make sure that either my kids know we can't make it and tell the birthday kid or I call and let them know. This is not only teaching them a little bit of respect for others, but it is the right thing to do. There were a few families that could not make the party and they did call to let us know. That is not the problem.
I had a birthday party for my twin girls this weekend. It is the first time they were able to invite their friends instead of it just being several families getting together. We had a great time. However one daughter invited two friends and the both were there. The other daughter invited two friends, and they told her they were going to be there and none of them showed up. This was heartbreaking for her. She not only was hurt by the fact that they weren't there, but was embarrassed in front of her grandmother, big sister (from Big Brothers Big Sisters), and her god parents. That is a lot for a child who is celebrating her 13th birthday to have to deal with. Then come the feelings of why am I not as good as my twin sister? How come my friends don't like me as much? And the list can go on.
I can speak about all these questions before I talk to her about this because when I was growing up I was that kid who would invite 5 to 8 kids to my birthday party (the few times I was allowed to have one) and then no one would show up. That would be followed by my mom yelling at me for having to go through everything to try to have a party for nothing. Now as the mom I held her and told her it was all right, that we would talk about it later. Let her Big Sister hug her and then we walked back into the party room with everyone else and changed the subject. I gave her her new book she had just bought (birthday tradition for our family; they get to pick out any book they want at the book store) and she shared it with her Big, soon on the outside everything was ok again, but I don't know how long it will be before she is ok again.
I had a birthday party for my twin girls this weekend. It is the first time they were able to invite their friends instead of it just being several families getting together. We had a great time. However one daughter invited two friends and the both were there. The other daughter invited two friends, and they told her they were going to be there and none of them showed up. This was heartbreaking for her. She not only was hurt by the fact that they weren't there, but was embarrassed in front of her grandmother, big sister (from Big Brothers Big Sisters), and her god parents. That is a lot for a child who is celebrating her 13th birthday to have to deal with. Then come the feelings of why am I not as good as my twin sister? How come my friends don't like me as much? And the list can go on.
I can speak about all these questions before I talk to her about this because when I was growing up I was that kid who would invite 5 to 8 kids to my birthday party (the few times I was allowed to have one) and then no one would show up. That would be followed by my mom yelling at me for having to go through everything to try to have a party for nothing. Now as the mom I held her and told her it was all right, that we would talk about it later. Let her Big Sister hug her and then we walked back into the party room with everyone else and changed the subject. I gave her her new book she had just bought (birthday tradition for our family; they get to pick out any book they want at the book store) and she shared it with her Big, soon on the outside everything was ok again, but I don't know how long it will be before she is ok again.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
First Day of New Semester
Here I sit at the computer lab, the first day of this semester. Of course I got here early, first to get a good place to park and not walk across the whole parking lot, and second to leave the house while the kids fight waiting for the bus to pick them up. I am fortunate to have them kicked off the regular bus and picked up by the special needs bus so that they can wait for the bus in our living room. Neither of them is functionally disabled, but because of some issues we do qualify for the transportation. (OK, I will keep chasing this rabbit and then get back on subject) I agreed to letting the school put the girls off the regular bus for a few reasons. Their bus was so overcrowded that there were days the kids ended up sitting on the floor either by falling of the edge of the seats, or not even enough room to get into the seat. The second factor was that they were being bullied so badly by kids at their bus stop and on the bus. The kids that were bullying my girls would even curse and make aggressive gestures at me driving down the street, so having my girls put off the bus was not that bad of a thing. Yes, it involved some teasing for one of my girls, but I think she is over that this year and is happy to not deal with those kids anymore.
OK, back to my first trail. I have printed out my schedule for my notebook, and then one for my kids so they know where I am on what days. I have had a wonderful conversation with a friend (instructor this semester, and then my friend again after that). I have aided a few classmates on what the user name and password combinations are to get into the school system so they could print their schedules. I really do like being a student. I may have graduated high school while most of these kids were still in diapers, but when I am here they don't look at me like an old lady, I am just another student. I listen to their stories and make as few comments as I can (for people who know me this is hard) and add comments when I can without upsetting the ego of youth. It is funny what they consider a crisis and what I deal with on a daily basis. It would be nice to have their problems to deal with, but then again I do not want to relearn everything I have gone through to get to this point.
I am over 40, and was extremely happy when I made it to 30, and did a little dance when I hit 35. In my 20's things did not look so good, I lived in a rough neighborhood by myself 6 months out of the year (military spouse). Right before I turned 30, my high school sweetheart found me and saved me from the spiral I was in. Shortly after that we were blessed with twin girls that are still a blessing and a challenge at the same time. My 30's were a great transition period as I was able to be a full time mom to my girls and take care of them to the best of my abilities. We ended up in Italy for a short period of time so we were able to show the girls a different way of life and now my 40's seem to be for me. I am back in school and trying to secure a future for not only myself but for my girls. My goal for graduation is to be able to get a job that will pay for the bills and allow my to help the girls both go to college as well. As long as the big sledge hammer of life does not crash through our world again I think we are on a good road.
Better stop for now and get ready for my class. Computers is my first one up. To the younger kids this is no big deal, to me this is very scary. I remember when the Commador 64 was the newest and hottest thing on the market. I think I need soda.
OK, back to my first trail. I have printed out my schedule for my notebook, and then one for my kids so they know where I am on what days. I have had a wonderful conversation with a friend (instructor this semester, and then my friend again after that). I have aided a few classmates on what the user name and password combinations are to get into the school system so they could print their schedules. I really do like being a student. I may have graduated high school while most of these kids were still in diapers, but when I am here they don't look at me like an old lady, I am just another student. I listen to their stories and make as few comments as I can (for people who know me this is hard) and add comments when I can without upsetting the ego of youth. It is funny what they consider a crisis and what I deal with on a daily basis. It would be nice to have their problems to deal with, but then again I do not want to relearn everything I have gone through to get to this point.
I am over 40, and was extremely happy when I made it to 30, and did a little dance when I hit 35. In my 20's things did not look so good, I lived in a rough neighborhood by myself 6 months out of the year (military spouse). Right before I turned 30, my high school sweetheart found me and saved me from the spiral I was in. Shortly after that we were blessed with twin girls that are still a blessing and a challenge at the same time. My 30's were a great transition period as I was able to be a full time mom to my girls and take care of them to the best of my abilities. We ended up in Italy for a short period of time so we were able to show the girls a different way of life and now my 40's seem to be for me. I am back in school and trying to secure a future for not only myself but for my girls. My goal for graduation is to be able to get a job that will pay for the bills and allow my to help the girls both go to college as well. As long as the big sledge hammer of life does not crash through our world again I think we are on a good road.
Better stop for now and get ready for my class. Computers is my first one up. To the younger kids this is no big deal, to me this is very scary. I remember when the Commador 64 was the newest and hottest thing on the market. I think I need soda.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Kids with coffee???
I saw this article the other day. It was titled (something like this) "yes I give my kids coffee!", with a picture of a toddler holding a Starbucks cup. My first thought was WOW, what is this about. I read the article in which this mom was defending her choice to let her kids have a cup of coffee with her on Sunday afternoons. She defended with it is decaffeinated, only a small shot of coffee, and the cup is then filled with milk, This sounds more like milk with a shot of flavor. It is a way for her to enjoy her weekly coffee break without having to fight with her kids.
First thought after this article. Why is that being a parent has become a chore more to defend our choices than it is to deal with our kids?? We are supposed to live in a country where Freedom is defended, sometimes to death (retired military family here, we get this point very well), however if we correct our children or give them something that someone has a problem with, we are making our children victims and defending ourselves as people pull out cell phones to record our problems so they can sell them to the media or internet. I once had a lady try to report me for spanking my toddler. The situation was that they thought it was funny to unbuckle their seat belts while driving down the road. I would pull over, pop their butt ( well padded with a diaper), and buckle them back in. This told them how serious unbuckling the seat belt was, because I only spanked their butts for dangerous items, and it only took three times for me to pull over and the message has never been forgotten. I then had to defend myself while this lady was calling the police to report me. I calmly told her that if I did have to go to court I would ask the judge if I was doing more harm by driving with them loose in the back seat, and a possible accident and injury, or was it better to give them a swat on the backside (which was more sound than pain) and put them safely back in their seats. She was not happy but let me be.
Second thought. When I was growing up I used to have a cup of coffee with my dad once in a while. This was NEVER decaffeinated in our house and my dad made it strong. No one ever questioned it because back in the 70's parents still had a few rights with their kids. I would always but some milk and sugar into my coffee and usually never finished more than about a third of the cup. However, now that my dad has been gone most of my kids lives, I still remember the smell and taste of that cup of coffee when I would get the chance to have my daddy's full attention, even if it was only for a little bit. I don't drink coffee now that I have grown up, mainly because it never taste as good as I remember it being when dad was right there. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the actual taste of the brew, but the company was the only thing that really mattered. Sorry, had to dry my eyes.
So does it really matter if a mother or father wants to give their kids a cup of coffee? Does it hurt the child more to miss out on the memories or to get a small taste of what is in the grown up cup? I'm glad my dad never cared about what other people thought, and I will always have the wonderful memories of those shared times!
First thought after this article. Why is that being a parent has become a chore more to defend our choices than it is to deal with our kids?? We are supposed to live in a country where Freedom is defended, sometimes to death (retired military family here, we get this point very well), however if we correct our children or give them something that someone has a problem with, we are making our children victims and defending ourselves as people pull out cell phones to record our problems so they can sell them to the media or internet. I once had a lady try to report me for spanking my toddler. The situation was that they thought it was funny to unbuckle their seat belts while driving down the road. I would pull over, pop their butt ( well padded with a diaper), and buckle them back in. This told them how serious unbuckling the seat belt was, because I only spanked their butts for dangerous items, and it only took three times for me to pull over and the message has never been forgotten. I then had to defend myself while this lady was calling the police to report me. I calmly told her that if I did have to go to court I would ask the judge if I was doing more harm by driving with them loose in the back seat, and a possible accident and injury, or was it better to give them a swat on the backside (which was more sound than pain) and put them safely back in their seats. She was not happy but let me be.
Second thought. When I was growing up I used to have a cup of coffee with my dad once in a while. This was NEVER decaffeinated in our house and my dad made it strong. No one ever questioned it because back in the 70's parents still had a few rights with their kids. I would always but some milk and sugar into my coffee and usually never finished more than about a third of the cup. However, now that my dad has been gone most of my kids lives, I still remember the smell and taste of that cup of coffee when I would get the chance to have my daddy's full attention, even if it was only for a little bit. I don't drink coffee now that I have grown up, mainly because it never taste as good as I remember it being when dad was right there. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the actual taste of the brew, but the company was the only thing that really mattered. Sorry, had to dry my eyes.
So does it really matter if a mother or father wants to give their kids a cup of coffee? Does it hurt the child more to miss out on the memories or to get a small taste of what is in the grown up cup? I'm glad my dad never cared about what other people thought, and I will always have the wonderful memories of those shared times!
Monday, January 2, 2012
holiday break
They say it is a holiday break, but it is not restful for a parent. I have two wonderful daughters, until they get inside our house. When they are out in public they are very pleasant and polite to everyone. We can't walk through a store without them putting things back into their places, even if this means going all the way to the other side of the store. They are wonderful little ladies. Then we enter the truck to get home.
This is where the bickering starts. Don't touch me, I called that Bug earlier (VW Beetle's), you touched the back of my chair. Once we are in the driveway it gets even worse as they both wait to see which one is going to race to the front door first. Then after I find a way between the arms to unlock the door they burst in and drop everything at the first spot they see open. Forget walking to their room to put anything in there. They step over the trash that fell on the floor as they ran outside, because they only start toward the front door AFTER I have started the truck so that they don't have to wait for me to get it running. (yes, it is a fairly new truck and runs good)
This seems to be a condition that I am unsure how to correct. Punishment just seems to take up my time, taking objects from them only results in them fighting over the other one's things, and adding chores to the ones they already don't do is just a joke. I have been told that this is just a stage all kids go through growing up. I am glad that they still know how to behave in public for now, however I truly wish that I could get a little of that public behavior to stick around for even a day or two around Christmas. That would be a gift.
This is where the bickering starts. Don't touch me, I called that Bug earlier (VW Beetle's), you touched the back of my chair. Once we are in the driveway it gets even worse as they both wait to see which one is going to race to the front door first. Then after I find a way between the arms to unlock the door they burst in and drop everything at the first spot they see open. Forget walking to their room to put anything in there. They step over the trash that fell on the floor as they ran outside, because they only start toward the front door AFTER I have started the truck so that they don't have to wait for me to get it running. (yes, it is a fairly new truck and runs good)
This seems to be a condition that I am unsure how to correct. Punishment just seems to take up my time, taking objects from them only results in them fighting over the other one's things, and adding chores to the ones they already don't do is just a joke. I have been told that this is just a stage all kids go through growing up. I am glad that they still know how to behave in public for now, however I truly wish that I could get a little of that public behavior to stick around for even a day or two around Christmas. That would be a gift.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)